These are The Rules. Feel free to refer back to them and direct anyone to them who inadvertently breaks one.
We’ve come together to set out some guidelines – The Rules – that drivers really need to stick to.
They aren’t official nor legally-binding, they have nothing to do with our bosses nor parent company and (let’s be honest) they aren’t to be taken too seriously – but take them all on board and revise revise revise. Refer back to them like a learned scholar quotes Shakespeare or scenes from The Office, and be sure to direct anyone who inadvertently breaks one of The Rules back here so that they might learn.
Teach others well. Educate them. Help them to know The Rules. There might be a test.
You can try and argue against any of them, too, but we won’t listen, because –
These Are The Rules.
- Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion on your car.
- Rule #1 should not affect what you do to your own car. All the following rules, however, must apply.
- No eyelashes on your headlights, ever.
- The maximum number of exhaust exits permissible is equal to half the number of cylinders in your engine.
- If you need to park an unusual, rare or exotic car and there’s a similar one in the car park you should always park beside it regardless of how inconvenient that is for you, to show solidarity and camaraderie.
- Don’t pretend you own a car which is registered to your parents, employers or a lease company.
- Don’t hire a fancy car and pretend it’s yours, either. We see through your Instagram lies.
- If posting on social media, do not use generic ‘like for like’ hashtags to gain false kudos.
- On cars which have two driven wheels, the tyres on those two wheels must match in terms of brand, model and tread depth.
- In order to claim your car is ‘built not bought’ you must have cut/created metal/fibreglass/etc, not simply assembled parts like Swedish furniture.
- Show plates (note – this includes incorrectly-spaced plates) are not to be used on roads unless you like smelling your own feet.
- When photographing a wheel the logo must be bolt upright.
- Photographing or filming yourself with a mobile phone whilst you’re driving immediately loses you all kudos earned.
- You must possess more than one 10mm socket, so you have a spare when one falls into your engine bay.
- Never overtake another car if it means they will need to brake to let you in.
- Nod when professional car dealers tell you bullsh*t, don’t correct them.
- Furthermore, if someone is telling lies about the performance stats of their own car to non-car folk, you must correct them.
- The ‘estimated time of arrival’ on a sat nav should always be beaten unless that means breaking a law.
- Your passengers are your responsibility, don’t put them in danger even if they pressure you into it.
- Clocks in cars don’t need to be changed when clocks change, they’ll only need doing again half a year later.
- When a milestone distance is hit on your odometer, e.g. 100000, 55555 etc, you must watch that happen and tell any passengers so they know how lucky they are. If you photograph the event, then your speedo must show zero.
- Give credit where it’s due, if you’re inspired to replicate a modification seen elsewhere, you must attribute all credit to the original source.
- No comic sans. On anything. Not even ironically.
- Whilst go karting with friends they are not friends – only competitors. As soon as the chequered flag waves they are friends once again and apologies should be exchanged immediately if necessary.
- Horns are not to be used to express displeasure at a non-car-person’s driving inadequacies, an eye roll and a tut will suffice.
- Drinks holders should never contain an empty drink container, lest it be assumed you frequently need to urinate whilst in the car.
- You must not admit you do not know what to do when you go to a scrapyard with a friend.
- Driving gloves are only allowed when driving convertible European cars which have been built between 1950 and 1975.
- Left hand drive cars add chic, not inconvenience – you are cooler for being non-conformist.
- Be patient.
- The ultimate skill is stopping a fuel pump precisely at the intended amount.
- Passengers entering your vehicle wearing shorts or skirts must be pre-warned of any leather upholstery which has been grilled by the sun.
- Revving engines at lights is tacky. If you must get a fast start, then set your revs at an optimal level and maintain that level until dumping the clutch. Drivers of automatics, please ignore this and please move on to The Rules #35.
- Automatics are inferior to manuals and you must bow to drivers of manual vehicles when requested.
- You must understand that Skoda jokes lost relevance in 1991.
- You must know what a manual choke does in case you ever need to rescue someone on a cold day and the only car available is a 1970s Lancia.
- Helmet colours must either be plain white, plain black, or your own individual design; not a mass-produced design.
- Convertibles and cabriolets must not be left parked with the roof down unless the ambient temperature is in excess of 25° Celsius.
- Badges indicating a higher spec without other cosmetic changes such as larger exhausts make you look like you have ‘I have large genitals’ written on your face.
- Don’t ring anyone using Bluetooth if your windows are open and it’s a built up area, or you’ll look like a pretentious yuppy.
- You should be able to replicate the sound of a boxer-4, straight/flat-6, V6, V8, V10 and V12 with your mouth.
- You must be able to admit you cannot drive a Formula One car better than anyone currently in Formula One (unless you’re an FIA Super Licence holder, then you can).
- If you speak to a car lover then you are officially friends, regardless of any other likes, interests, views, experiences, backgrounds etc.
- Bluetooth headsets are the reserve of lorry drivers (over 7.5t) only.
- Nurburgring stickers which say ‘never been’ were witty for 17 seconds in 2011 and have not been witty again since then.
- If you’re fearful of ‘door-dinkers’ in car parks, park on the other side of the car park, do not straddle two bays or else you should expect all other cars to do the same and you’ve gained nothing.
- Large and dangly air fresheners / fluffy dice are only acceptable if you’re over 55 and not aware there are rules.
- Minimum requirements for ‘show car’ status is air ride and wheels.
- In follow up to rule #48; you get extra scene points for rocking Rotiforms.
- NEVER, under any circumstance, wear Nike and Adidas together at any scene car show.
- To have a much better chance of winning an award for your car at a show, you should aim to have at least 10k followers on Instagram.
- Upon entry to any scene car show, make sure you feather your throttle (rev your car lots) until told otherwise by show organisers.
- Contrary to popular belief, drivers of Porsche 911s are legally permitted to drive at or below the prevailing speed limit.
- Cars with yellow headlamp lenses are cooler than a shirtless Steve McQueen in Antarctica.
- The Mazda MX-5 is NOT the greatest sports car ever made.
- The driver of the car in front would really rather not be able to assess the condition of your teeth via their rear view mirror.
- Be endlessly patient with learner drivers – you were one once, and you too almost certainly hesitated, stalled on hills, bunny-hopped or drove really slowly round bends you’d now take at 60mph.
- Debadging your car is a surefire way of making everyone assume you could only afford the base model, even if it isn’t.
- You must always carry sick bags when travelling in a car with children, or dogs (though not necessarily for sick…).
- Never succumb to road rage, whatever the provocation; it can land you in a lot of trouble. Content yourself with knowing you’re a better driver, and a better person.
- If you must put an England flag on your car during a World Cup, and you really shouldn’t, it must be removed within one hour of the team’s inevitable elimination.
- The amount of fun you can have driving a car is inversely proportional to how much power it has and how much it cost to buy.
- Related to The Rules #62, above: No, the Toyota GT86 does NOT need any more power. You’ve just become too lazy from driving turbo engines…
- Related to The Rules #62, above: Don’t sit behind a Micra, Yaris, or similar and complain about how slow they’re going. They might be going flat out, and will be having more fun than you doing so.
- Large stickers and graphics on doors are unacceptable. Unless your car is a 1980s German car, in which case they are mandatory.
- Steel wheels are usually lighter and more sturdy than alloys so don’t bother spending big on a set of split-rims.
- Beaded seat covers should never be seen unless you genuinely have a back problem.
- When going for a drive out to the coast, you must sit or lean next to your parked pride and joy all day and pretend you’re only eating your sandwiches next to it because you hate sand in your shoes.
- You must always drive conservatively and politely when your parents are in the car with you. And pretend that’s how you always drive.
- It’s the law that you wear a baseball cap if your car has custom-fitted lowered seats and suspension.
- If you own a modified Japanese car on big wheels and chassis-scraping lowered suspension, you have to start vaping. This is a law and is non-negotiable.
- Any incoming comments or ‘helpful’ advice on your driving aren’t valid – but any comments you give on anyone else’s driving are.
- You don’t need an SUV.
- No, you really DON’T need an SUV.
- If you still own and drive a large SUV simply to chauffeur one child to school over a distance easily walked, you will be first against the wall when the revolution comes. Decrease your car size or increase the number of occupants and you may be spared.
- Predicted fuel range should always be beaten.
- If you have the decency to pass horses wide and slow, afford the same courtesy to cyclists. They’re faster moving, smaller and the pause to overtake will realistically only delay you by a few seconds.
- Do not sneer at someone driving a nicer car than you. Appreciate the car for what it is.
- If you choose to drive in the snow but you do not understand gears, brakes or powerslides, you will be given a compass, a torch and 12 hours to walk home from whichever tiny incline you’ve blocked for everyone else.
- If it is slightly windy or autumnal outside, you’re allowed to stay home from work because of “leaves on the road”.
- You are not a motoring enthusiast until you’ve played (and lost) fuel light bingo.
- If there’s a ‘TDI’ badge on the rear of your car, you must ignore speed limits and drive at 100mph at all times. Also, never repair panel damage to your vehicle.
- Please refrain from telling us about your ‘little drifts’ you did coming off of roundabouts on the way to work. Not only did it not happen, but these are public roads. Take it to a track.
- If you’re going to push your vegan lifestyle upon us, kindly remove the leather seating from your company car (probably a German executive saloon).
- Respect nature. Do your absolute best to avoid hurting animals that have wandered onto roads.
- When we finally rise to power, drivers camping in the middle lanes of motorways will receive death sentences. Don’t call your lawyer, there won’t even be trials.
- MPG > BHP.
- Being able to stop quickly is more important than being able to go quickly.
- No ‘Powered by Fairy Dust’ stickers allowed. At any point. Ever.
- Do not park your car in an electric car charging bay if it is refuelled with the liquid stuff. Internal Combustion Engined (ICE) cars in EV bays are NOT cool.
- There’s no all-mighty power compelling you to modify your car. It’s OK to leave it stock.
- Look after your bodywork – If you don’t want to clean your car yourself, get someone else to do it.
- The rules of the road still apply in car parks, which means you must indicate – otherwise someone has every right to swoop in and steal the space you had your eye on.
- Nobody cares about your stick-figure family. Nobody. Not even your real family. If indeed you actually have one other than the stick figure one.
- Stretched tyres are stupid. Stop it.
- Pumpin’ bass riddims, brah, are only allowed if your stereo can handle them and deliver them without distortion. Nobody likes to hear The Prodigy sounding like they’re doing a gig in a cheese grater.
- Mid-size executive car drivers who work in construction – put your hi-viz jacket in the boot. You’re fooling nobody. We just think you’re a plum, not the police. Plus, the police can afford better cars than an E90 318d.
- You are not an influencer unless you have influenced somebody to actually buy a car purely based on your unsponsored opinion of that car.
- Speed does not equal driving skill. Pushing a throttle pedal down further than you should does not make you good at driving. Anybody can do that.
- You must not moan about traffic if you are part of it.
Thank you for taking time to learn The Rules –
As proclaimed by (in alphabetical order)
& Tim Barnes-Clay
The Rules MMXIX
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